What is self-esteem and how does it work?

Let's figure out what this self-esteem thing actually is.

[Self-]esteem is, at its core, how we evaluate ourselves. This is an important point, keep it in mind, we'll get back to it soon.

So, issues with self-esteem, low self-esteem, unstable self-esteem, and so on are among the most common reasons people go to therapy. And it would seem that maybe you need to learn how to evaluate yourself more objectively, do some exercises, affirmations, learn to praise yourself, and acknowledge your achievements.

But do you know where the root of the problem usually lies?

The problem is that what we call self-esteem is often no longer “self” at all — **it’s other people’s judgements and evaluations that we’ve internalized. **

In reality, it was a friend who said "you dress unfashionably," mom said your "nose looks like a potato," your ex didn't like your hair, and Instagram says you need to be outgoing to succeed.

And just like that, it turns out there's actually nothing genuinely yours about it — it's a lifetime of other people's evaluations and judgements.

And if you realize this and throw it in the trash, you might find that you're actually totally fine with your appearance, your reserved nature, and your "un-Instagrammable success." Only when we can focus on ourselves rather than others can self-esteem become healthy.

Do we even need to evaluate ourselves?

We're used to a world where everything is judged and evaluated: good - bad, F- A, effective - ineffective, pretty - ugly, successful - unsuccessful, and so on. The list goes on indefinitely. And we're used to everything being measured on a certain scale. That's our reality.

The problem is that to unlock our full potential as individuals and become ourselves in the best sense of the word, we need to let go of constant evaluation.

Any judgments. Any evaluations. Any expectations we place on ourselves. Any need to measure our success, productivity, or worth.

Why? Because evaluation and judgment limits our freedom and creates boundaries. And only when we have no internal restrictions can we fully unfold and express ourselves.

Sounds logical and strange at the same time, right?

I suspect you're thinking: “So how can I improve without constantly evaluating and judging myself?” Indeed, strange and perhaps scary.

But it's precisely the absence of constant evaluation and judgment that makes it possible to truly grow and improve — OUT OF genuine DESIRE, NOT OUT OF OBLIGATION.